If it were up me I'd construct a key that led to your heart

If I were a problem, a mistake, a waste of sand in an hourglass, then push me away, throw me away, let me go, and let hope pick you up again. If you feel discourage, if you feel like I haven't gave you a reason to stay, then I hope you realize that I understand your reasoning.
I'm only human, I'm only one person, I'm only a thought, I'm only a disappointment. Sometimes It'd be easier if you were still here dad, If you could tell me the answer to my problems, but I guess that is a part of growing up, isn't it dad? It's a part of answering to your own problems and to your own reality, isn't it dad? Do you think I'm wrong for saying these things dad? Can you even hear me dad? I'm shaking, I'm upset dad, I feel like I haven't gotten a real chance to cry, until now dad. I feel like breaking from the concrete, I feel like shaky at the knees and I don't like feeling like this dad, I still watch DBZ dad, Instead of talking to you on the phone dad, I talk to myself and pretend that you're on the other line dad. Dad, was I ever a problem, mistake or waste of sand in an hourglass to you? I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry for letting my guards down. I love you. You were the best dad in the world.

Don't feel sorry for me, don't feel the need to say sorry, don't feel the need to comfort. I'm just heart-broken in every way, but its okay. I'm okay. Maybe not, maybe so, but that is for me to know. I guess you have the right to feel however you want, but I feel like you'll just be wasting your time, time is all I need, never did I feel like I've fallen off the face of Earth, never did I feel like my blood is pulsing through my veins and the tears saltier than ever, never did I ever feel guilty for anything until now. Guilt, I admit it, I feel guilt, I feel and I feel but now I do not feel. I do not rely. I do not need. I do not want. I am numb.

When it's my time to leave, I will only leave with happiness, and I hope that is how you left. So many things are being thrown around in my head. I'm shaking I'm shaking I'm shaking, and I'm scared. I'm scared of every thought of you ever being non existing. Every letter you ever wrote, every phone call ever made, every laughter, is all kept in my heart.

What is going on? WHAT IS FUCKING GOING ON? jmmb